Cash, Zane, and Cade

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Five Months

On November 2nd, the boys turned five months old. They are growing at such a rapid rate that I'm afraid to blink because I might miss something. They are now laughing and smiling and it really feels great to interact with them. Their personalities are really coming out and they are a lot of fun.

I haven't written a blog in some time, even after I promised to do so. The fact is, it doesn't seem like there is much to report. The other thing is, I don't want to sound like I am complaining or ungrateful. This is going to sound bad, but we are in survival mode. Trying to survive from one day to the next day. The roller coaster of emotions brings highs and lows at such a pace that your brain is simply pushing your body from one moment to the next. Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself in a movie. I'm playing the part of me. I find myself doing things and moving from one task to another. I see Carrie doing the same thing. You just go. You just do it. You can't procrastinate or put anything off. These things must be done.


It's 5:00 am. The boys get fed at 6:00 am. One boy starts to scream and you wake up. You lay there for a minute hoping that he falls back to sleep. Soon you realize that he won't. All you want is that one precious hour of sleep before you have to get up. Just one hour. The thing is, he's not going to give it to you. You get up and go into the nursery and look in his crib. You pick him up and hold him and then decide to change his diaper. You turn the light on low, cursing under your breath. Then he breaks into the biggest smile and laughs. He looks up at you and you can tell without a doubt that he loves you. You aren't tired anymore. The adrenaline that kicks in when your boy smiles at you wakes you up and kick starts your day. Sure, you went to bed at 12:45 and haven't had much sleep, but it doesn't matter. The roller coaster just hit a high point. So, you get the other two up and start feeding all three boys. Start the coffee. Throw the diapers in the washer. Finish up and watch the boys jump in their exersaucer units. You laugh as they look like they are running on a treadmill. You smile as they talk to each other in some weird triplet language that tragically they will forget when the learn English. Roller Coaster is still way up high. Then you put the boys back to bed and head to work. Roller Coaster coming down. At first, it was hard to concentrate at work knowing Carrie was home facing all this alone. It's easier now as you get used to being gone, but there is a constant worry that comes with being a parent that simply can't be explained. After work you head home and walk into what is usually a very loud house. Loud. Crazy loud. Bath night is really loud. They hate baths. Hate.

Your life is a balancing act. Work. Home. Work. Home. Work. Home. Home. Work. You learn to make each moment count. 3o minutes to strum a few chords on the guitar is a gift. For Carrie taking a shower is like a trip to Hawaii. Oh yes. Before triplets you were married. Married with just each other. Now, married with triplets. Your marriage takes a back seat to the babies. By backseat I mean that sometimes it can feel like your marriage is being dragged along the highway on a chain that is attached the bumper of the triplet mobile. Personal pursuits? People need to define themselves with alone and leisure time with friends and with their spouse. You just gotta plan these things and make them happen. Thank God for Carrie's Mom. The help she provides cannot be overstated. Family is very important. I forget that we are here seeing the progress everyday, and the majority of both sides of our family don't get to do that.

Carrie and her mother recently took the boys to Illinois. They drove the thousand odd miles there and back. The boys are road warriors. Keep the Guns 'n' Roses cranked up and it's all good. Feedings had to be done in places like Bram's and McDonald's. I was with the band and didn't make the trip with the boys. Being away from them is very unnatural. They left on a Tuesday and I left the next morning. On Tuesday night, the house was deathly quiet. I didn't like it. These boys have integrated themselves into our lives to the point that we don't know what we did before they got here. We simply don't remember and it doesn't matter.

We have a person very close to our organization who said, "Those boys chose you to be their parents."

My response?

"Wow. They must be dumb."

They chose us. Everything in life is a choice. You chose to be a good parent or a bad parent. You chose to be a good person or a bad person. You chose to be married and committed to your family. You chose to serve something larger than yourself. You chose to be a positive force on your immediate surroundings. You might have days when you fail, but you have to pick yourself up the next day and do better. Lately, it feels like I fail a lot at being a positive force. I get down and feel a bit sorry for myself. Okay, I feel a lot sorry for myself. I get tired and feel guilty about being tired. I think of all the things I need to do and I feel overwhelmed. If I think about it all at once the pressure can get to me. Then I come home to my wife and boys and realize that I have everything.

Carrie chose me. I chose Carrie. Those boys chose us.

Then we dressed them up like Elvis for their first Halloween.